This will be the first Christmas with my Mom gone. I know that it's holidays like these that can be quite hard for those who have lost their loved ones. I don't really take too much stock on Christmas because technically we don't spend or celebrate Christmas. My family puts more effort on celebrating the New Year.
I think the reason why we don't celebrate Christmas is because of our childhood tragedies. Growing up we were very poor and surviving on a day to day basis was hard enough. Children usually dream of receiving gifts come Christmas day. But I have no memory of ever being excited that it is already Christmas. To me, it was like any ordinary day that would come and go.
It must have been hard for my mother. I know because now that I am an adult, I go out of my way even if it is a last minute thing to get gifts for family and friends. One vivid memory that I have of Christmas is that while everyone outside was noisy and celebrating, we were all in our beds trying to sleep.
I will not be spending Christmas alone though. Tomorrow, Christmas day, I will be at my aunt's house. Every year for the past six years we have been spending Christmas day at her house. Most of my family are living overseas so it will be a small party. For those spending their Christmases' alone, don't be too sad. It will come again next year and always look forward to that time that it will become a happy occasion. Merry Christmas to all.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tribute to my mother
I have not been able to update this blog for a long time. I would like to thank the people who still read my blog (if there are any). I just want to write how my life has been these past few months.
I now live in Laguna having found a job that is during the daytime. My asthma has been very bad last year to the point that I had to quit my IT job which is actually a dream job for me. I moved to Laguna having secured my mother with a maid that will look and care after her while I am at work. I do get to go home every weekend but little did I know that my moving out would be the cause of my mother's death.
My mother died last August. Worst, she died exactly on my birthday. I was at home when she died and it was too late when we rushed her to the hospital. Doctors said that she suffered a stroke. My mother has had this heart condition since 2003 where her doctor was advising her to undergo angioplasty. My mother refused because it is quite expensive. We all thought that it would be her cancer that would defeat her. But it was her heart that let go.
I have never regretted taking care of her even if my personal life would have to be brushed to one side. My friends during the wake said that they were the ones who regret seeing me resign from one good job to another just to take care of my mother. But these memories, the ones that I share with my mother during the good and the bad times are what I treasure more than the good position or prestige a job may bring. And I also feel privileged to have taken care of my mother because my brothers were at a loss when she died. My brothers have been living abroad for quite some time and they all wished that they could have spent more time with mom.
Christmas is just a few days away. My brothers are spending Christmas with my mother's sister in Florida so it means that I am spending Christmas alone. But I don't mind since I have also found a great partner who is very supportive in these trying and down times of my life. We have been together for more than a year now and I thank God that he sent this person my way. I guess if I was still stuck with my old relationship, I don't know how I would be able to cope since I was very unhappy with that relationship. God has his reasons for making things the way they are and with my mom's death I am able to understand and thank Him for all the trials, joys, tears and memories that have come my way. They have made me become stronger in every sense of the word.
But don't get me wrong. I am still very sad with the loss of my mother. I still find myself crying when I am alone. When I am grocery shopping I also feel weepy because I remember the countless times that we would go grocery shopping and the food that we would buy would have to be carefully chosen because of her diet restrictions. I will miss my mommy when she would force items that I like but would not buy because I would be thinking that we would go beyond our budget. Or the cheese that we both love and would nibble as late night snacks. I miss my mother but I am sure that she is in a place where she can no longer feel the pain and suffering brought about her disease.
I now live in Laguna having found a job that is during the daytime. My asthma has been very bad last year to the point that I had to quit my IT job which is actually a dream job for me. I moved to Laguna having secured my mother with a maid that will look and care after her while I am at work. I do get to go home every weekend but little did I know that my moving out would be the cause of my mother's death.
My mother died last August. Worst, she died exactly on my birthday. I was at home when she died and it was too late when we rushed her to the hospital. Doctors said that she suffered a stroke. My mother has had this heart condition since 2003 where her doctor was advising her to undergo angioplasty. My mother refused because it is quite expensive. We all thought that it would be her cancer that would defeat her. But it was her heart that let go.
I have never regretted taking care of her even if my personal life would have to be brushed to one side. My friends during the wake said that they were the ones who regret seeing me resign from one good job to another just to take care of my mother. But these memories, the ones that I share with my mother during the good and the bad times are what I treasure more than the good position or prestige a job may bring. And I also feel privileged to have taken care of my mother because my brothers were at a loss when she died. My brothers have been living abroad for quite some time and they all wished that they could have spent more time with mom.
Christmas is just a few days away. My brothers are spending Christmas with my mother's sister in Florida so it means that I am spending Christmas alone. But I don't mind since I have also found a great partner who is very supportive in these trying and down times of my life. We have been together for more than a year now and I thank God that he sent this person my way. I guess if I was still stuck with my old relationship, I don't know how I would be able to cope since I was very unhappy with that relationship. God has his reasons for making things the way they are and with my mom's death I am able to understand and thank Him for all the trials, joys, tears and memories that have come my way. They have made me become stronger in every sense of the word.
But don't get me wrong. I am still very sad with the loss of my mother. I still find myself crying when I am alone. When I am grocery shopping I also feel weepy because I remember the countless times that we would go grocery shopping and the food that we would buy would have to be carefully chosen because of her diet restrictions. I will miss my mommy when she would force items that I like but would not buy because I would be thinking that we would go beyond our budget. Or the cheese that we both love and would nibble as late night snacks. I miss my mother but I am sure that she is in a place where she can no longer feel the pain and suffering brought about her disease.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Ghosts of the Past
I would like to blame my fever and asthma for the events that happened this evening. I don't know if I should have made those statements. But it has made me look foolish in every sense of the word. How can we run away from ghosts of the past if we keep resurrecting them in our minds?
First real argument today. I am not the type of person who confronts people. I am usually laid back and let people just run over me. But why? Why did I let this small inkling of doubt get hold of me to the point that I have hurt the person I love the most?
I hope and pray that this will not affect our relationship. I don't want to lose him.
First real argument today. I am not the type of person who confronts people. I am usually laid back and let people just run over me. But why? Why did I let this small inkling of doubt get hold of me to the point that I have hurt the person I love the most?
I hope and pray that this will not affect our relationship. I don't want to lose him.
Antibiotcs..Again?!?
My asthma has made a big comeback these past few months. I didn't mind at first because my job or company has provided us with a health card. So going to the doctor and having tests done means that I don't have to shell out money.
It was with some pride that I lost thirty pounds and four dress sizes around May to June of this year. I was able to keep the pounds off the latter part of the year, but when my asthma attacks came back, I started gaining weight again. I guess it's because of all the steroids that are in the drugs that I am taking that is making me gain weight. Plus the stresses of my job. So, I have now gained back those thirty pounds that I have lost.
My doctor changed my asthma medication around December because my cough wasn't getting any better and my cough started around October. I also have a feeling that I am so radioactive right now because she has asked me to get chest x-rays almost every month. But for her last request, I did not have the tests done. I also refused to buy and take the new bout of antibiotics she prescribed. I just changed my inhaler.
The good news is that my cough has cleared with the new inhaler. The bad news is that I still have a cold, plus fever. So I went back to the doctor's office this afternoon, and I was prescribed again with antibiotics.
I hate getting sick. Yes, I don't shell out anything for the laboratory tests and doctors' consultation, but these medicines that are prescribed take almost half of my salary. I did not buy the antibiotics. I will just stuff myself with calamansi juice until this cold clears and my fever goes away.
It was with some pride that I lost thirty pounds and four dress sizes around May to June of this year. I was able to keep the pounds off the latter part of the year, but when my asthma attacks came back, I started gaining weight again. I guess it's because of all the steroids that are in the drugs that I am taking that is making me gain weight. Plus the stresses of my job. So, I have now gained back those thirty pounds that I have lost.
My doctor changed my asthma medication around December because my cough wasn't getting any better and my cough started around October. I also have a feeling that I am so radioactive right now because she has asked me to get chest x-rays almost every month. But for her last request, I did not have the tests done. I also refused to buy and take the new bout of antibiotics she prescribed. I just changed my inhaler.
The good news is that my cough has cleared with the new inhaler. The bad news is that I still have a cold, plus fever. So I went back to the doctor's office this afternoon, and I was prescribed again with antibiotics.
I hate getting sick. Yes, I don't shell out anything for the laboratory tests and doctors' consultation, but these medicines that are prescribed take almost half of my salary. I did not buy the antibiotics. I will just stuff myself with calamansi juice until this cold clears and my fever goes away.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Healing Heart, Mind and Soul
It's been quite a few months since I last made any entries here in my blog. Not that it would matter though since I would have written something insane then. I have been busy purging myself of loneliness and depression and I guess staying away from the internet has helped in a bit because I was able to go out with friends and make myself whole again.
It is safe to say that I have now healed myself of the demons that have plagued me last year. It has been hell-like, the past year. But I believe that things happen for a reason. I now understand why things have to happen, and that even if I got hurt I guess it was the only way life could show me that I needed to get out of a meaningless and abusive relationship.
I have now found someone new who hopefully will become a permanent fixture in my life. It is nice to dream dreams again and hear promises of forever. I am now again able to dream, hope and work on my life as I see how it should be.
It is safe to say that I have now healed myself of the demons that have plagued me last year. It has been hell-like, the past year. But I believe that things happen for a reason. I now understand why things have to happen, and that even if I got hurt I guess it was the only way life could show me that I needed to get out of a meaningless and abusive relationship.
I have now found someone new who hopefully will become a permanent fixture in my life. It is nice to dream dreams again and hear promises of forever. I am now again able to dream, hope and work on my life as I see how it should be.
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