When nothing matters anymore

This is a sad period in my life where I have lost everything, including myself. Its very hard for me to think of a way to start over again, to the point where it seems pointless to even try. Death, at the moment, seems like the most practical choice to end my misery.

I have been trying to fight this depression, but I can't. People tell me that the loss is not mine to bear, but when I look at what I have left, I see nothing. At the end of the day, its all empty and meaningless. I have tried talking with other people and even going out, but I simply cannot shake my sadness. A lot of people are telling me to move on, and I am trying...but I can't.

For once in my life I have found what I wanted and then it was taken away from me. It hurts because I have never asked for anything for myself, only this. But there seems to be a big cosmic joke going around right now, because at the time where I was so dependent on that want, it was taken away.

I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I am again feeling the depression, having no sleep last night. I only wish that I survive this. But I know that I am tired of fighting, and that I am always fighting alone. How I wish there would be someone to take care of me for a change, instead of me taking care of them. All my life, I have been caring for the people around me and in the end, it left me with nothing except sadness and despair.

I need to purge myself of this anger

I need to purge myself of this anger, of this hurt of being betrayed by the person I have loved so much all these years. Its very hard to be offered a dream and then be discarded because of someone else. I need to deal with the pain and try to find a way within myself to forgive and forget.

I have been with him all these years supporting him in the times where he needed help the most. I was always there to listen and make time, adjust my life around him and the people around me. But it has become of little importance to him. Its as if it was nothing. And that hurts the most. I hope that I can find the peace that I am looking for when I go on my retreat next week. Going to familiar haunts, nursing my pain.

Love is still a choice

I suffered a nervous breakdown three days ago where I had to be hospitalized. The reason for my breakdown is because my six year relationship ended and it ended because my ex-boyfriend found someone else. It hurts as hell, but I have to let go of this meaningless relationship. But the pain of being betrayed was too much for my mind to bear. I was crying non-stop, not sleeping for four days straight, trembling and even packed a bag and was about to leave the house. My mom and my aunt was just quick enough to stop me, because if they didn't, I don't know where I would be now.

What aggravated my nervous breakdown is because I am also taking care of my mother who has liver cancer. In my rage and confusion, I began to blame my mother's condition as to why I could not live a life of my own, to be with my ex-boyfriend. Had my situation been different, I would have been able to deal with the pain in a different way where I would not suffer a breakdown.

But as the days pass, I realize that I have made the right choice by staying to take care of my mom. In tears and a breaking heart and mind, I confessed to her the real reason why I broke down. And as with all mothers, she understood. She understood my pain and now she is helping me heal as I help her in her condition. I have learned in all this pain that I have to help my mother and she is the only one who will not abandon me, just because they find someone else.

I have also seen my worth in my family. I have always griped about not being appreciated, but because of this breakdown I have learned and seen the respect that my family has always given me all these years. The kind of respect that my ex-boyfriend never gave me, instead he gave me pain.

Love is a choice. I know now that what I chose is right. I am still healing, I am still having anxiety attacks, but with the help of my mom I know that I can make it until my brothers' come home at the end of the month. I will go somewhere when they arrive, so that I can also heal my heart and mind. Somewhere quiet where hopefully I can find myself again.

Another bout of depression

I am again dealing with depression. Its two in the morning and I can't sleep. I haven't slept last night either. I am so depressed and don't have the strength to fight this. I just want to crawl somewhere and die. I want to end my misery.