Dealing with this Depression

It's been 20 months since my mom was diagnosed with hepatocellular carcinoma. She was diagnosed on December of 2007. Since then my life has been a roller coaster of emotions.

All of my brothers live and work abroad. One works in Qatar, the other in the United States. When my mother decided to go home to the Philippines after staying with my brother in the US, she decided also not to go back. She is old and sickly and cannot keep up with my neice and nephew whom she has to take care of while staying with my brother.

I live alone, with the exception of my mother. I am also single by choice. This makes me an ideal candidate to take care of my mother when she got diagnosed with cancer. No problem, it is my duty as a daughter to care for the person who gave me life and carried me in her womb for nine months.

Since the start of her prognosis where we were in and out of the hospital, I had to be strong physically and emotionally. I don't own a car so we have to take a jeep ride (the only mode of transportation here in my godforsaken subdivision) to have her admitted for her chemotherapy. So this means that I carried all our things for our overnight stay.

And I had to go to work. Impossible as it may sound to Filipinos who have relatives working abroad, I don't get anything from my brothers, nor do they send me any. At the time that my mother was diagnosed, I had to pay for my house's mortgage. My other brother working in Qatar instead of helping me pay for the house bought another house instead. To add insult to injury, the house is in front of mine.

There were days where I was awake for three days straight because I have to get my mothers' things ready for our overnight stay in the hospital. Plus I have to get her admitted. Then I will also be the one to settle the hospital bill. When we get home, I have to tend to her and the house since she refuses to get a maid. This went on for eight months.

My work suffered immensely. I was still able to perform but I was a walking zombie. So I decided to quit because my health was already suffering too. And no one will take care of me when I am sick since the only person living with me is my mother who is also sick.

I lost my house because I was no longer able to pay my mortgage. I was earning but i could not spend all of my earnings on my personal needs because I had to chip in with my mothers' medical expenses.

So I lost my house, my job and my identity all at the same time. I am severely depressed but can do nothing about it. So many times I am thinking of suicide just to end my misery. My friends always say that I am a very strong person. But all of this is a facade. I am very weak, vulnerable even especially now.

It hurts the most when I show my vulnerability that the person that I am counting on to be my anchor abandons me. How cruel fate seems. This happens everytime. I guess when they see that I need caring, they feel the need to discard me. Because I have always been the one who listens to their every fear and problem. And when the time comes that I need them the most, they are gone.

I am depressed. I don't know if I can make it.