I need to purge myself of this anger

I need to purge myself of this anger, of this hurt of being betrayed by the person I have loved so much all these years. Its very hard to be offered a dream and then be discarded because of someone else. I need to deal with the pain and try to find a way within myself to forgive and forget.

I have been with him all these years supporting him in the times where he needed help the most. I was always there to listen and make time, adjust my life around him and the people around me. But it has become of little importance to him. Its as if it was nothing. And that hurts the most. I hope that I can find the peace that I am looking for when I go on my retreat next week. Going to familiar haunts, nursing my pain.

Love is still a choice

I suffered a nervous breakdown three days ago where I had to be hospitalized. The reason for my breakdown is because my six year relationship ended and it ended because my ex-boyfriend found someone else. It hurts as hell, but I have to let go of this meaningless relationship. But the pain of being betrayed was too much for my mind to bear. I was crying non-stop, not sleeping for four days straight, trembling and even packed a bag and was about to leave the house. My mom and my aunt was just quick enough to stop me, because if they didn't, I don't know where I would be now.

What aggravated my nervous breakdown is because I am also taking care of my mother who has liver cancer. In my rage and confusion, I began to blame my mother's condition as to why I could not live a life of my own, to be with my ex-boyfriend. Had my situation been different, I would have been able to deal with the pain in a different way where I would not suffer a breakdown.

But as the days pass, I realize that I have made the right choice by staying to take care of my mom. In tears and a breaking heart and mind, I confessed to her the real reason why I broke down. And as with all mothers, she understood. She understood my pain and now she is helping me heal as I help her in her condition. I have learned in all this pain that I have to help my mother and she is the only one who will not abandon me, just because they find someone else.

I have also seen my worth in my family. I have always griped about not being appreciated, but because of this breakdown I have learned and seen the respect that my family has always given me all these years. The kind of respect that my ex-boyfriend never gave me, instead he gave me pain.

Love is a choice. I know now that what I chose is right. I am still healing, I am still having anxiety attacks, but with the help of my mom I know that I can make it until my brothers' come home at the end of the month. I will go somewhere when they arrive, so that I can also heal my heart and mind. Somewhere quiet where hopefully I can find myself again.

Another bout of depression

I am again dealing with depression. Its two in the morning and I can't sleep. I haven't slept last night either. I am so depressed and don't have the strength to fight this. I just want to crawl somewhere and die. I want to end my misery.

Online Income Opportunities

Recently I have been busy with some online earning programs that have given me quite a good amount in spite of starting with the sites for less than a month. These online opportunities may require you to spend a few minutes to an hour depending on the activity required for you to earn. Some may give good earnings, while some may give you just a few cents. But still, even if it is just a few cents it still adds to your earnings.

One of the online earning sites that is giving me weekly and sometimes daily payouts are PTC sites. PTC or paid to click sites are sites where you will click on advertisements in order for you to earn. Some sites have a high payout minimum, while there are some that have low payouts so you can cash out daily. The low payout sites that I am currently into are Slobux.com and Paidtoclick.in.

Then there are the writing sites. Mylot is one forum site where you can get paid for posting your views on the issues posted by members on the site. The key to getting good earnings is to post quality comments. You can also earn from tasks posted by Mylot members too.

So far these sites have given me decent amount of earnings in my Paypal account. You just need to be diligent in visiting these sites everyday so that you can earn.

Wish List

My birthday is coming up a few days from now. I have always celebrated my birthday going on out of town trips. I would always be alone, but I enjoyed this "me" time enormously.

I started my out of town trips when I started working at Pizza Hut. I don't enjoy parties, hate cooking and cleaning afterwards so I would disappear for a few days before and after my birthday.

My getaway back then was in Subic, Zambales. August is off season for beaches so I would have entire resorts by myself. I would go down early mornings and watch the sun rise while small schools of fish would swim at my feet. I would be in a world far from stresses of daily living. I would go home feeling refreshed, ready to take on the world again.

When I started working in the call center industry, that was the time that I was able to go to Baguio. I fell in love at once. Every year since 2003, I would always make a trip to Baguio either alone or with co-workers.

But since my mother was diagnosed with cancer I had to put off my yearly trips because I could not leave her alone. I don't have a maid and my mother refuses to get one, so when I leave the house she left all alone by herself.

So part of my wish list for my birthday is to get away, even just for a day. Just for a day to renew my energy. Just for a day to forget everything.

Local Sugar Free Snacks

We Filipinos love sugar so much. This is evident in the products that you will see on supermarket aisles. I am writing this because I did my grocery shopping today and wanted to buy sugar free snacks for my mother who is a diabetic.

There are sugar free cookies available in the supermarket. The only problem is that these are not locally manufactured, hence the price is five times more than your average biscuit. I don't know why our local biscuit manufacturers are not tapping into this, when there is a large demand for these type of products.

Sugar free products do not benefit diabetics alone. It is a good alternative for people who want to live healthy lifestyles or are trying to modify their diets. I guess its in the culture of filipinos that biscuits have to be super sweet. I hope one day, there will be local brand sugar free biscuits or snacks that will be available with prices that are also affordable.

Addicted to Scratch Cards

I decided to do another blog entry. I just want to write about my new addiction, the PCSO scratch cards. I have been betting on Lotto since 1995, but have never won anything besides P40. A week ago, I decided to buy some scratch cards because it gives me winnings of more than P40.

These scratch cards can be bought from regular lotto outlets. You just have to scratch the protective cover and match amounts. if you get three of the same amount on your card, you win that amount. Let's say that the reason for my addiction is that I have won a big amount recently, enough to buy my medication for asthma.

One problem though, is that it is becoming addictive for me. I cannot resist buying a pack or set everytime I pass by lotto outlets. There is a consolation though with my addiction, I do get to win even P100 or more in a set of five cards.

So, this is my new addiction. I only hope and pray that I get to win the jackpot next time I buy a set of scratch cards. It would be a very nice birthday gift for me.