The calm after the storm

Its been two months since my breakup. Two months since my bout with depression. I am thankful for the friends that I have who have supported me through this most difficult of times. I now have a job, a welcome distraction. And new friends who are also very supportive and have given me so much laughter that its as if i have never been sad these past few months.

I am proud that I am able to get a job again. My ex-boyfriend, his now girlfriend and all his cousins have labeled me as insane and have nowhere to go. Its much more painful to hear all the hurtful words coming from the person you have loved for so long. But I guess he never really loved me, that's why it was so easy for him to label me as insane, a failure and that no one will ever have me again.

I had to kick myself in order to get out of my depression. I told myself that i cannot stay sad long. Yes, I am still hurting but I am no longer in a rut as they say. I can now move forward because I have picked myself up and pushed my feet to take a step forward.

I want to tell everyone who has been depressed that yes, there is a calm after the storm. Though the circumstances may not be as happy as you expect it to be, but for sure you will be able to move. Reach out to your friends, go out, laugh as if there is no tomorrow. In short, forget yourself, and the reason for your pain. Because for sure that person who has caused you pain no longer thinks of you. So why should you think of that person?

I am in the process of healing, of making myself whole again. And to that person, if he does read this blog, thank you for setting me free. Because I can now choose a better person who will love me more than I have loved him, who will build my dreams with me. Who will support me every step of the way and not chicken out when I am down and out. Who will not be afraid to hold my hand in public. To you and your cousins, and your precious girlfriend, yes the insane person is able to land a job without even trying hard enough. And this insane person is loved by everyone, unlike what you all said.

When nothing matters anymore

This is a sad period in my life where I have lost everything, including myself. Its very hard for me to think of a way to start over again, to the point where it seems pointless to even try. Death, at the moment, seems like the most practical choice to end my misery.

I have been trying to fight this depression, but I can't. People tell me that the loss is not mine to bear, but when I look at what I have left, I see nothing. At the end of the day, its all empty and meaningless. I have tried talking with other people and even going out, but I simply cannot shake my sadness. A lot of people are telling me to move on, and I am trying...but I can't.

For once in my life I have found what I wanted and then it was taken away from me. It hurts because I have never asked for anything for myself, only this. But there seems to be a big cosmic joke going around right now, because at the time where I was so dependent on that want, it was taken away.

I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I am again feeling the depression, having no sleep last night. I only wish that I survive this. But I know that I am tired of fighting, and that I am always fighting alone. How I wish there would be someone to take care of me for a change, instead of me taking care of them. All my life, I have been caring for the people around me and in the end, it left me with nothing except sadness and despair.

Another bout of depression

I am again dealing with depression. Its two in the morning and I can't sleep. I haven't slept last night either. I am so depressed and don't have the strength to fight this. I just want to crawl somewhere and die. I want to end my misery.

Dealing with this Depression

It's been 20 months since my mom was diagnosed with hepatocellular carcinoma. She was diagnosed on December of 2007. Since then my life has been a roller coaster of emotions.

All of my brothers live and work abroad. One works in Qatar, the other in the United States. When my mother decided to go home to the Philippines after staying with my brother in the US, she decided also not to go back. She is old and sickly and cannot keep up with my neice and nephew whom she has to take care of while staying with my brother.

I live alone, with the exception of my mother. I am also single by choice. This makes me an ideal candidate to take care of my mother when she got diagnosed with cancer. No problem, it is my duty as a daughter to care for the person who gave me life and carried me in her womb for nine months.

Since the start of her prognosis where we were in and out of the hospital, I had to be strong physically and emotionally. I don't own a car so we have to take a jeep ride (the only mode of transportation here in my godforsaken subdivision) to have her admitted for her chemotherapy. So this means that I carried all our things for our overnight stay.

And I had to go to work. Impossible as it may sound to Filipinos who have relatives working abroad, I don't get anything from my brothers, nor do they send me any. At the time that my mother was diagnosed, I had to pay for my house's mortgage. My other brother working in Qatar instead of helping me pay for the house bought another house instead. To add insult to injury, the house is in front of mine.

There were days where I was awake for three days straight because I have to get my mothers' things ready for our overnight stay in the hospital. Plus I have to get her admitted. Then I will also be the one to settle the hospital bill. When we get home, I have to tend to her and the house since she refuses to get a maid. This went on for eight months.

My work suffered immensely. I was still able to perform but I was a walking zombie. So I decided to quit because my health was already suffering too. And no one will take care of me when I am sick since the only person living with me is my mother who is also sick.

I lost my house because I was no longer able to pay my mortgage. I was earning but i could not spend all of my earnings on my personal needs because I had to chip in with my mothers' medical expenses.

So I lost my house, my job and my identity all at the same time. I am severely depressed but can do nothing about it. So many times I am thinking of suicide just to end my misery. My friends always say that I am a very strong person. But all of this is a facade. I am very weak, vulnerable even especially now.

It hurts the most when I show my vulnerability that the person that I am counting on to be my anchor abandons me. How cruel fate seems. This happens everytime. I guess when they see that I need caring, they feel the need to discard me. Because I have always been the one who listens to their every fear and problem. And when the time comes that I need them the most, they are gone.

I am depressed. I don't know if I can make it.